Uncle Vernon, Uncle Vernon, independent as a hog on ice
  He's a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse
  Plays accordion for Mr. Weiss
      Uncle Biltmore and Uncle William
  Made a million during World War Two
  But they're tightwads and they're cheapskates
  And they'll never give a dime to you
      Auntie Mame has gone insane
  She lives in the doorway of an old hotel
  And the radio is playing opera
  All she ever says is Go to hell
      Uncle Violet flew as a pilot
  And there ain't no pretty girls in France
  Now he runs a tiny little bookie joint
  They say he never keeps it in his pants
      Uncle Bill will never leave a will
  And the tumor is as big as an egg
  He has a mistress, she's Puerto Rican
  And I heard she has a wooden leg
      Uncle Phil can't live without his pills
  He has emphysema and he's almost blind
  And we must find out where the money is
  Get it now before he loses his mind
      Uncle Vernon, Uncle Vernon, independent as a hog on ice
  He's a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse
  He plays accordion for Mr. Weiss