SPOKEN:
  (Hey! Can we have your autograph?)
  My autograph? I'm nobody.
  But wait a minute!
  I've got 36 expressions sweet as pie to tough as leather.
  And that's 6 expressions more than all the Barrymores put together.
  (Only six?)
  Instead of kicking me, why don't they give me a lift?
  I think it's a plot 'cause they're scared that I got such a gift.
  I'm miffed 'cause...
  
  I'm the greatest star
  I am by far
  But nobody knows it
  Wait, they're gonna her a voice,
  A silver flute
  They'll cheer each toot
  When I expose it
  
  Can't you see the look at me
  That I'm a natural Camille?
  As Camille, I just feel
  I have so much to offer
  I know I'll be divine because
  I'm a natural cougher
  
  (Some ain't got it, not a lump
  She's a great big clump of talent
  Laugh)
  SPOKEN:
  Hee hee ha ha ha!
  (They'll bend in half)
  SPOKEN:
  Hear the story 'bout the traveling salesman?
  (A thousand laughs)
  SPOKEN:
  Stick around for the jokes, folks
  (A thousand faces)
  SPOKEN:
  I reiterate
  
  When you're gifted, then you're gifted
  These are facts, I have no axe to grind
  Hey! What, are they blind?
  In all of the world so far,
  I'm the greatest star
  
  Who is the pip with pizzazz?
  Who is all ginger and jazz?
  Who is as glamourous as?
  Who's an American beauty rose
  With that American beauty nose
  And ten American beauty toes?
  (Eyes on the target and wham!)
  One shot, one gunshot, and bam!
  Hey, world, here I aaaaaaaaaaaaaam!
  (She is the greatest, the bestest, the greatest
  She is the greatest, the bestest, the greatest)
  
  I'm the greatest star
  I am by far
  But nobody knows it
  That's why I was born
  I'll blow my horn
  'Til somebody hears it
  
  I'll light up like a light
  Right up like a light
  I'll flicker and flare up
  All the world's gonna stare up
  Lookin' down, you'll never see me
  Try the sky, 'cause that'll be me
  And I can make them cry
  I can make them sigh
  Someday, they'll clamor
  For my dram-er
  
  (Have you guessed yet?
  Who's the best yet?)
  If you ain't, I'll tell you one more time
  You bet your last dime
  In all the world so far,
  (She's the greatest, greatest star)
  
  Funny, ha! life is far from sunny
  When the laugh is over, and the joke's on you
  Well, a girl's gotta have a sense of humor
  That's one thing you really need for sure
  When you're a funny girl,
  The fellow said "a funny girl"
  Funny how it ain't so funny
  Wow! funny girl
  
  They're the luckiest people in the world
  With one person, one very special person
  A feeling deep in your soul
  Says you were half, now you're whole
  No more hunger and thirst
  But first, be a person who needs people
  People who need people
  Are the luckiest people in the world!
  (One shot, one gunshot, and bam!)